“Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to”
“There's nothing half so pleasant as coming home again.”
“When you're safe at home you wish you were having an adventure; when you're having an adventure you wish you were safe at home”
Thornton Wilder “No matter under what circumstances you leave it, home does not cease to be home. No matter how you lived there-well or poorly.”
Joseph Brodsky “I have been very happy with my homes, but homes really are no more than the people who live in them.”
Nancy Reagan Obviously there is a theme here. Home? What is that all about. I'm not homesick. I'm not home. I am longing for home in my future. Home is personal word, it means something different to every person. It may be a physical structure, it may be a state of mind, a sense of being, a spiritual relationship. For me it is a location. It is where my family is. It could be hundreds of miles away from my house but as long as my family and my memories are there then it is home. I lived in the same house from the age of four until I graduated high school, that will always be "home" to me. So many memories and milestones happened between those four walls, but that structure is not my home today. My home has expanded. It stretches from Henagar to Rainsville and encompasses several houses and families. As much as it drives me crazy to go home now after being on my own for the past three years, I still yearn to be there later on. In my mind I would raise my kids the way I was raised, which is five minutes from all family members. If I wanted to see my Mawmaw, Mom ran me to her beauty shop ten minutes from our house. On the way home we would stop and visit my Great Grandmothers and my aunts. If I wanted to go pick up my cousin and head to the swimming pool, he was just one street over. I loved it. Its not so much that I love small town life, I actually like some excitement and big city convenience. But at the same time there are few things in life I enjoy more than sitting in a porch swing on a summer night, looking across my yard, smelling the grass, watching lightning bugs in the trees, and feeling completely at peace at HOME. Its the belonging that I am after. I am anything but a chameleon, I cannot blend into my surroundings, I stick out like a sore thumb in many situations.
Now I am in a situation of sorts. My Husband in Training (HIT) is from the same place, he grew up the same way. His grandparents were and still are one of the biggest influences on his life. His bestfriend was his grandpa who passed away right as we started dating. He is closer to his grandmother than anyone I know. I am envious of these relationships. he grew up with grandparents across the street. They were there for every success and failure, every broken heart, and skinned knee. for all the mischief, hugs, and special breakfasts. I did not have this. At the age of four I was left with one grandmother and two great grandmothers. I adore them all very much, but women in my family have a tendency to be more of a cool aunt than a loving grandmother. I was 19 before I ever remember hearing my grandmother tell me she loved me. Do not get me wrong I know she does she just shows it in other ways. It is part of who she is and I would not change her for the world. I look up to her for her resiliency and drive. I hope I inherited those traits from her. But I was able to have that wonderful grandmother relationship with my great grandmother. I loved watching her cook. I wish I would have been old enough to learn how from her but by the time I was old enough Alzheimer's had stolen her from me. Long story short I want my children to have that bond. The love between grandparents and grandchildren is one of the most beautiful creations of God. I am crying as I write this because I am so afraid that I will not be able to facilitate this for my children. I have BIG dreams for them. I want them to be happy and healthy of course but I have more dreams for them.
I want my children to KNOW they serve a risen Savior. I want to see my children accept Jesus as their personal Savior and serve Him with all their might. I want my children to sleep outside in the summer nights. I want my children to enjoy playing sports in the yard with Mom and Dad more than being inside. I want them to get scrapes and bruises. I want them to have an innocent curiosity for life. I want my children to have the confidence to be their own person. I want my children to love reading and books of all kinds. I want my children to have the type of manners that are so rare today. I want my children to appreciate what they have and not feel like the world owes them something. I want my children to love the elderly and listen to what they share. I want my children to write hand written Thank You notes and appreciate snail mail. These are two values people are losing because they are in too much of a hurry, but they ate two of the greatest gestures you can make. If you take the time to write a card and mail it then the feeling is more sincere. Most of all I dream for my children to have their grandparents as a HUGE part of their life. I always loved looking up from the ball field and seeing my aunts, or grandmother sitting in the stands and I know my HIT felt the same way. Its those little things that mean so much. Its always so nice to have Mawmaw come pick you up at school and take care of you on a sick day or to have Granny make a special breakfast or bowl of fried potatoes just for you. Grandchildren are the legacy and this is something I am feeling quite passionately about right now.
Now comes the big issue. HIT graduated in December. I am so excited for him. He has worked so hard and has done so well. He will even be graduating with Honors! BUT his major is not exactly hot on the market right now. His obscure choice of majors was a brave step for him. He had to go to a college that was not his family's first choice. He had to move 6 hours away, only knowing one person when he got there. I am proud of what he accomplished just by moving away to school. While there he started an internship, and made some wonderful connections to the University he was/is attending. He loves the work he does. It directly correlates to his degree, whereas some of use score awesome degrees then never use them. He is ecstatic and because I love him and want to ensure his happiness, I am happy for him too. Now this internship has turned into a possible full time job opportunity. When I first found out I was beside myself I was so happy. Soon my happiness faded to shear fear. Him having a job there would mean that I would be moving there in May. Six hours away from our family and everything we know and love. One reason I was so proud of my HIT for blossoming in a new setting is because it is something I cannot do. My anxiety levels go through the roof just thinking about having to start all over again in a new place. Making new friends, getting a job, finding WalMart! Not to mention that this will be my first year teaching which is unnerving in itself. I will be away from all of my resources and my close knit support system. My two best friends will be in Nashville, 8 hours away! Obviously I do not handle change well and even though this won't actually be happening until May I am already in panic mode. I'm a worrier, its what I do. Aside from all the worry I have about moving I have other pressing issues on my mind, I will be planning a wedding from 7 hours away. I will have to trust the judgment of others regarding my big day.
And lastly, What if its permanent?
I am okay with rolling along with my HIT so he can get a job and gain necessary experience so that he may move on to something closer to home in 4-5 years. Don't get me wrong I don't want to live in my parent's backyard, but I would like to be within an hour or so of our families. I am tremendously upset about this at the moment. We are still 13 months away from the wedding and 5 or so years from kids, but I do not want to have children until we are closer to home. I need my Mom and MIL to help me. I need their advice, I need them to come take care of the lil one while Mommy and Daddy rest. I need my Papa and FIL to build a rocking chair and toy box for the lil one. I want them to pop in on a summer afternoon and sit on the porch and drink lemonade with me. I want to take my kids to my old favorite playground. I want them to stick their feet in the creek I played in. I want them to pray in the pew I did. I want them to pick the roses from the same rose bush that I did. I want to show them where my name is carved at my old high school. I know I should not be worrying about this but it is one thing in my life that is very important to me. There are very few things I am this passionate about. And honestly I do not know how HIT and I would have stayed together if I had know he planned to move off in the beginning. I love my HIT more than words could ever express. He is my best friend, my better half, my voice of reason, and reason to smile. He has given me a renewed faith in love, life, happiness, and the human spirit. He will be my husband and in God's eyes we are one. We must act as one. I firmly believe in the Biblical model of marriage. The husband should be the strong hold and the leader of the family. He should lead the family in what is best for them and the wife and family should follow. Man should not make this choice alone however, God should be the life coach. If my husband sees it best for our family to move away from our families then I will follow. I will use Ruth's example " For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.”
And lastly, What if its permanent?
I am okay with rolling along with my HIT so he can get a job and gain necessary experience so that he may move on to something closer to home in 4-5 years. Don't get me wrong I don't want to live in my parent's backyard, but I would like to be within an hour or so of our families. I am tremendously upset about this at the moment. We are still 13 months away from the wedding and 5 or so years from kids, but I do not want to have children until we are closer to home. I need my Mom and MIL to help me. I need their advice, I need them to come take care of the lil one while Mommy and Daddy rest. I need my Papa and FIL to build a rocking chair and toy box for the lil one. I want them to pop in on a summer afternoon and sit on the porch and drink lemonade with me. I want to take my kids to my old favorite playground. I want them to stick their feet in the creek I played in. I want them to pray in the pew I did. I want them to pick the roses from the same rose bush that I did. I want to show them where my name is carved at my old high school. I know I should not be worrying about this but it is one thing in my life that is very important to me. There are very few things I am this passionate about. And honestly I do not know how HIT and I would have stayed together if I had know he planned to move off in the beginning. I love my HIT more than words could ever express. He is my best friend, my better half, my voice of reason, and reason to smile. He has given me a renewed faith in love, life, happiness, and the human spirit. He will be my husband and in God's eyes we are one. We must act as one. I firmly believe in the Biblical model of marriage. The husband should be the strong hold and the leader of the family. He should lead the family in what is best for them and the wife and family should follow. Man should not make this choice alone however, God should be the life coach. If my husband sees it best for our family to move away from our families then I will follow. I will use Ruth's example " For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.”
