Finals are relationship killers

Apparently my bad attitude and nagging in conjunction with my HIT's finals makes for a deal breaking disaster. Obviously I am being wishy washy, doubtful, and negative about our relationship and it is just too much for him. I am in no way bored with him but we have the most predictable relationship on Earth. I want to mix it up. I want our love to be know every morning noon and night i know how the phone calls and texts will go. I want to hear and see I love you in different ways. Dont buy my love anyone can do that. Love me through taking interest in what i do and say even if you dont care. Take to heart what I say. I need more I want it shouted from the rooftops. I want to see or hear something from the heart. How I really make you feel. I love you so very much, cant wait for many more makes me feel like I am not worth the time of day. I know not everyone is good with words but they fact that an attempt is made to express ones feelings speaks volumes over anything that can be bought. I really hope the hustle and bustle of life doesnt suck the life out of our relationship and turn us into the couple that is miserable but doesnt realize it til its too late.

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grati-two

1. Amazing friends. Having the same best friend for almost 17 years is serious business. Having new friends that make you wonder what life was like before them is pretty awesome too.
2. My church. I love everything about my church family. Today we visited and sang carols. It was a wonderful sight to see the faces of those who cant make it to church be touched by the spirit.
3. My mad match making skills.
4. Apple cider.
5. Christmas movies

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Gratitude

Thanksgiving is more than over but this week I have come to the realization that gratitude is seasonal for most of us.  Due to some recent events I have decided to start a gratitude journal and I challenge everyone else to do the same.  Each night, or in the case of me with my memory lapses, whenever I think of it, I am going to write at least 5 things each day that I have gratitude for regardless of how big or small.

 Thankful, grateful, and appreciative: these are words I want to describe my outlook on life in the future.  I have fallen victim to the perpetual pity party.  We are all victims of circumstance in some form or another.  There is no reason to feel sorry for myself day in and day out.  Obviously I have an abundance of blessings in my life. 

Since I have a lot of these on my mind they will be the majority of my post.

1.        I have a risen Savior who forgives me daily for falling short of His Glory.  I know I am a disappointment in His eyes every day, but I am continuing to fight harder at being the Christian I should be.  I always try to remember “You may be the only Bible some people read” and I agree the way others view my life may be what determines how they feel about the entire Christian faith. 

2.       I have an amazing, out of this world Fiancé, or as call him my HIT, (husband in training).  He has stood by me through many, MANY toils and troubles without wavering.  He has taken care of me in a way only a husband could.  He is my constant comforter, best friend, and soul mate.  I am not a lovey, mushy person and often I feel like I can’t show him just how much I love and appreciate him, but he has never doubted my devotion.  I have many mistakes in our relationship yet he has stood by me through it all.  My knight in shining armor at the end of the day.  I have always dreamed of that perfect life.  2.5 kids, white picket fence, the whole shebang.  He gives me that chance.  He will be graduating from college in 15 days.  We are both the first people in our families to graduate with four-year degrees.  He will be graduating with honors!  He chose a major that challenged him, but it was something he enjoyed and looked forward to learning more about every day.  He could have chosen other majors that would have led to higher paying, more available jobs, but that was not what his heart was after.  My HIT followed his heart and he will reap the rewards for going for his goals.  I admire his strength and determination.  He gives me the courage to face the things I do not believe I could accomplish on my own. 
                He works hard to seize every opportunity to better himself so that his chances of getting a job are increased, all so he can provide for us.  He wants the best for me and the family we will have one day.  It’s a beautiful thing when you find a man who prepares for his future so much already.  He wants to make sure that we are always taken care of and have as few worries as possible. I love this man.

3.       Yesterday was my parent’s 27^th anniversary.  Next week will be my future in-laws 29^th.  I am so grateful to have two true pictures of marriages in my life.  Neither couple has had it easy.  My parents have battled each and every day to keep things together.  They have lost all material things in their life but they still had each other.  To this day staying together is a struggle but they do.  I never realized how important it is to have the example of a strong marriage at home until my marriage was a year away.  I want my children to have the blessing of growing up in a strong home with a close knit marriage.

4.       Sister.  I may be an only child, but I feel like I have been given a second chance at having a sibling by my future SIL.  I wish I would have had that bond with my own sibling growing up but now I have a built in best friend.  She may be 6 years younger but I don’t know what I would do without her.  She is always there with a kind word on a bad day, shoulder to cry on, perfect shirt to borrow.

5.       Old Navy Cozy Socks. My feet are amazingly warm, but not hot.  I feel warm and fuzzy all over every time I put them on.

6.       My family.  We are far from perfect, but talk to anyone and you will see that every family has their flaws.  Our dynamic is a bit skewed but it works for us. I may not know who is living with who or where from week to week but I know that any of them will be there for me in a heartbeat.  When I hear other people with their grandmothers I often get jealous, because they do things like cook together, sew,TALK.  But I’m pretty sure no one else’s grandmother taught them how to gamble,  or showed them how to work hard, and be beautiful  all at the same time. 

7.       Golden Girls reruns.  Well they all remind me of the women in my life.  It makes me life and always leaves me smiling, can’t beat that.

8.       Bama.  My dog may drive me crazy but I would be crazy without him.  Being away at college, no time to make friends, and at least I had that little fur ball to count on.  He really brought my HIT and I closer than I could imagine.  Bama was his Christmas present our first Christmas together.  He is and always will be our first baby.  We spoil him to no end, but we love every minute of it.

Torn

“Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to”

 John Ed Pearce

“There's nothing half so pleasant as coming home again.”

 Margaret Elizabeth Sangster 

“When you're safe at home you wish you were having an adventure; when you're having an adventure you wish you were safe at home”

 Thornton Wilder 

“No matter under what circumstances you leave it, home does not cease to be home. No matter how you lived there-well or poorly.”

 Joseph Brodsky 

“I have been very happy with my homes, but homes really are no more than the people who live in them.”

 Nancy Reagan 

 
 Obviously there is a theme here.  Home? What is that all about.  I'm not homesick. I'm not home. I am longing for home in my future.  Home is personal word, it means something different to every person.  It may be a physical structure, it may be a state of  mind, a sense of being, a spiritual relationship.  For me it is a location.  It is where my family is. It could be hundreds of miles away from my house but as long as my family and my memories are there then it is home.  I lived in the same house from the age of four until I graduated high school, that will always be "home" to me.  So many memories and milestones happened between those four walls, but that structure is not my home today.  My home has expanded.  It stretches from Henagar to Rainsville and encompasses several houses and families. As much as it drives me crazy to go home now after being on my own for the past three years, I still yearn to be there later on.  In my mind I would raise my kids the way I was raised, which is five minutes from all family members.  If I wanted to see my Mawmaw, Mom ran me to her beauty shop ten minutes from our house.  On the way home we would stop and visit my Great Grandmothers and my aunts.  If I wanted to go pick up my cousin and head to the swimming pool, he was just one street over.  I loved it.  Its not so much that I love small town life, I actually like some excitement and big city convenience.  But at the same time there are few things in life I enjoy more than sitting in a porch swing on a summer night, looking across my yard, smelling the grass, watching lightning bugs in the trees, and feeling completely at peace at HOME.  Its the belonging that I am after.  I am anything but a chameleon, I cannot blend into my surroundings, I stick out like a sore thumb in many situations. 
     Now I am in a situation of sorts. My Husband in Training (HIT) is from the same place, he grew up the same way.  His grandparents were and still are one of the biggest influences on his life.  His bestfriend was his grandpa who passed away right as we started dating.  He is closer to his grandmother than anyone I know. I am envious of these relationships.  he grew up with grandparents across the street.  They were there for every success and failure, every broken heart, and skinned knee. for all the mischief, hugs, and special breakfasts.  I did not have this.  At the age of four I was left with one grandmother and two great grandmothers.  I adore them all very much, but women in my family have a tendency to be more of a cool aunt than a loving grandmother.  I was 19 before I ever remember hearing my grandmother tell me she loved me.  Do not get me wrong I know she does she just shows it in other ways.  It is part of who she is and I would not change her for the world.  I look up to her for her resiliency and drive.  I hope I inherited those traits from her.  But I was able to have that wonderful grandmother relationship with my great grandmother.  I loved watching her cook.  I wish I would have been old enough to learn how from her but by the time I was old enough Alzheimer's had stolen her from me.  Long story short I want my children to have that bond.  The love between grandparents and grandchildren is one of the most beautiful creations of God.  I am crying as I write this because I am so afraid  that I will not be able to facilitate this for my children.  I have BIG dreams for them.  I want them to be happy and healthy of course but I have more dreams for them.
I want my children to KNOW they serve a risen Savior.  I want to see my children accept Jesus as their personal Savior and serve Him with all their might.  I want my children to sleep outside in the summer nights. I want my children to enjoy playing sports in the yard with Mom and Dad more than being inside.  I want them to get scrapes and bruises.  I want them to have an innocent curiosity for life.  I want my children to have the confidence to be their own person.  I want my children to love reading and books of all kinds. I want my children to have the type of manners that are so rare today.  I want my children to appreciate what they have and not feel like the world owes them something.  I want my children to love the elderly and listen to what they share.  I want my children to write hand written Thank You notes and appreciate snail mail.  These are two values people are losing because they are in too much of a hurry, but they ate two of the greatest gestures you can make.     If you take the time to write a card and mail it then the feeling is more sincere.  Most of all I dream for my children to have their grandparents as a HUGE part of their life.  I always loved looking up from the ball field and seeing my aunts, or grandmother sitting in the stands and I know my HIT felt the same way.  Its those little things that mean so much.  Its always so nice to have Mawmaw come pick you up at school and take care of you on a sick day or to have Granny make a special breakfast or bowl of fried potatoes just for you.  Grandchildren are the legacy and this is something I am feeling quite passionately about right now.

Now comes the big issue.  HIT graduated in December.  I am so excited for him.  He has worked so hard and has done so well.  He will even be graduating with Honors! BUT his major is not exactly hot on the market right now.  His obscure choice of majors was a brave step for him.  He had to go to a college that was not his family's first choice.  He had to move 6 hours away, only knowing one person when he got there.  I am proud of what he accomplished just by moving away to school.  While there he started an internship, and made some wonderful connections to the University he was/is attending.  He loves the work he does.  It directly correlates to his degree, whereas some of use score awesome degrees then never use them.  He is ecstatic and because I love him and want to ensure his happiness, I am happy for him too.  Now this internship has turned into a possible full time job opportunity. When I first found out I was beside myself I was so happy.  Soon my happiness faded to shear fear.  Him having a job there would mean that I would be moving there in May.  Six hours away from our family and everything we know and love.  One reason I was so proud of my HIT for blossoming in a new setting is because it is something I cannot do.  My anxiety levels go through the roof just thinking about having to start all over again in a new place.  Making new friends, getting a job, finding WalMart!  Not to mention that this will be my first year teaching which is unnerving in itself.  I will be away from all of my resources and my close knit support system.  My two best friends will be in Nashville, 8 hours away! Obviously I do not handle change well and even though this won't actually be happening until May I am already in panic mode.  I'm a worrier, its what I do.  Aside from all the worry I have about moving I have other pressing issues on my mind, I will be planning a wedding from 7 hours away.  I will have to trust the judgment of others regarding my big day.
And lastly, What if its permanent?
I am okay with rolling along with my HIT so he can get a job and gain necessary experience so that he may move on to something closer to home in 4-5 years. Don't get me wrong I don't want to live in my parent's backyard, but I would like to be within an hour or so of our families.  I am tremendously upset about this at the moment.  We are still 13 months away from the wedding and 5 or so years from kids, but I do not want to have children until we are closer to home.  I need my Mom and MIL to help me.  I need their advice, I need them to come take care of the lil one while Mommy and Daddy rest.  I need my Papa and FIL to build a rocking chair and toy box for the lil one.  I want them to pop in on a summer afternoon and sit on the porch and drink lemonade with me.  I want to take my kids to my old favorite playground.  I want them to stick their feet in the creek I played in.  I want them to pray in the pew I did. I want them to pick the roses from the same rose bush that I did. I want to show them where my name is carved at my old high school.  I know I  should not be worrying about this but it is one thing in my life that is very important to me.  There are very few things I am this passionate about.  And honestly I do not know how HIT and I would have stayed together if I had know he planned to move off in the beginning.  I love my HIT more than words could ever express. He is my best friend, my better half, my voice of reason, and reason to smile.  He has given me a renewed faith in love, life, happiness, and the human spirit.  He will be my husband and in God's eyes we are one.  We must act as one.  I firmly believe in the Biblical model of marriage.  The husband should be the strong hold and the leader of the family.  He should lead the family in what is best for them and the wife and family should follow.  Man should not make this choice alone however, God should be the life coach.  If my husband sees it best for our family to move away from our families then I will follow.  I will use Ruth's example " For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.”

You know at this point I don't even know where to begin....and that is the root of my problem.

Oh Insomnia

So it is 5:30 am and I have yet to go to sleep. I have worked for 12 of the last 36 hours and drove 6.  I am not going to be a cheerful person today.  I wish I could use this time productively but that isn't happening either. :/

TSwift and Other Wonderful Things I am Excited About

Source: taylorswift.com

So I purchased my first real life CD since like 2004.  Seems weird that I have relied on Limewire for so long.  Today on a long ride home from Mobile my iPod died, so I stopped at a truck stop and picked this little jewel up.

 So I admit I have always been a fan of T-Swift, but as I was listening along today I really got to thinking. The girl is 20. Having a 16 year old sister makes me respect TS even more.  She is a true blue role model.  Her music is clean, I think the most provocative lyric is saying someone is more famous for what they do on the mattress.  In 3 albums that's all!  Sure a lot of her music is about love which is beyond what her younger fans can comprehend, but its written from a young girl's point of view.  She talks about thinking she was in love then realizing she wasn't.  That is something everyone goes through at some point in time.  She talks about the feelings, and laughing, not bedroom antics.  Not only does TSwift keep it clean in the recording studio, she does in life too.  You don't see her making headlines for partying, drinking, going to rehab, etc.  She is just a normal down to Earth nice girl next door.  She takes her position seriously and I have the utmost respect for her and what she does.
Thanks T for giving the world hope that celebrities can be escape becoming the typical "Hollywood" image.

Continuation

Well last night due to storms and such I lost internet connection mid-blog.  It is rare that I let my guard down and start let my feelings flow.  Just when I started to let things go, boom lost the chance.  Had a complete break down last night. I am not happy with life right now.  I have so much going for me but I am completely unhappy.  Unless you have dealt with something like this it is hard to understand.  I have lost all motivation to get anything done.  My school work is slipping, my relationships with everyone are fading. I just do not care.  My apartment is in dismay.  I care long enough to worry then become overwhelmed with anxiety then suddenly it feels like there is nothing I can do about it so I give up again.  Something has to change .

'Tis Depressing

In 7 hours I will walk into a classroom to start my last week.  It has be a whirlwind 3 month experience.  I was there from day one with these kiddos.  To them I am another teacher.  I love them all dearly even though they torture me some days.  I am going to miss each and everyone of them.  I had a wonderful experience during this placement and could not have asked for a better group of people to guide me.  I truly believe that the First Grade teachers at Rock Quarry are the most amazing, devoted group of instructors I have ever met.  They always put the children first.  I laughed as I walked out of the door on Friday afternoon.  It was 5:30 and I was the FIRST First Grade teacher to leave.  All of the other hallways were darkened and the parking lot empty but we were still working away.  Most people would say slaving away, but when you love your job and are passionate about your purpose the extra work is just self improvement.  I have learned so many things in these 12 short weeks, I could not even begin to list them all. Above all what I have learned is that teaching absolutely comes from the heart not from the brain.  You could read every book in the world, attend every seminar, go to every workshop, but if you cannot walk into a classroom and genuinely love the students and watching them learn then you should just walk back out and go somewhere else. 
Having two wonderful teachers has been the best experience.  Ms. Nevin and Mrs. Jenne have only the children's best interest in mind. 

It is coming to an end.

Monday I will begin my last week of student teaching with my First Grade class that I love so much.
It is surreal to think that in less than a year(God willing) I will be getting ready to start class in my own classroom, with my own kiddos to love.  I love bonding with my little friends just as much as I love watching them learn.  Friday will be bittersweet for me. I am glad that I am one step closer to graduating but I will miss the smiling faces every morning, the wonderful hugs, and the I Love Yous I get everyday. 

Freckleface Strawberry

So I absolutely love this book.  It is highly likely that I will end up with red headed freckle faced kids. I will own multiple copies of this book. Love Love Love it!

Day 1 and I have already back slid

Yesterday afternoon I went to the neurologist and had a lovely EEG. AND got to wear it home! Exciting stuff having 22 wires running from my head. And a 5lb bag containing a recorder that I have to carry at all times.  Dressing takes forever, but thankfully I can remove it tomorrow morning and hopefully this will be the end of this scary journey. 

History Repeats Itself

Luckily I was able to see the neurologist today.  He believes I am having temporal lobe seizures brought on by stress and lack of REM sleep. Praise God!He still would like for me to come back tomorrow Wednesday for a short EEE followed by a 48 hour EEE which I had 3 years ago.  I will be walking around for 2 days with 36 wires coming out of my head and a battery pack on my side.  This will be fun to look back on since I will be going through this while teaching 18 first graders.  It will be a learning experience for all. 

One of my all time favorite pictures of Scotty came from the last time I was in this same condition.  Our relationship was still young and it was a lot to take on for him at the time.  He had just lost his best friend, his Pawpaw. Now he has a sick girlfriend it was a lot to take on. But he stuck by my side through it all. 

I'm going to attempt to share one picture everyday for one month I am actually shooting for a year but a month is a good start. 

God will stop you in your tracks.

and show you exactly how mighty he is. 

I have been all wrapped up in my life. Selfish and seeking my own understandings instead of selfless and seeking of Him. 
I had several symptoms come and go for the past week or so. My parents were concerned enough to come stay with me. I stop the the Dr on Friday afternoon expecting to be told that I have too much stress or vitamin deficiency or something.  The doctor seemed quite concerned and ordered blood work immediately. I was told to make an appointment for an MRI at 800 this morning.  I am not allowed to drive or be left alone. I started wondering WHY NOW? Today was the first of my all important 10 consecutive teaching days; the Holy Grail of student teaching.  If I miss a day I have to start the whole 10 days over.  After wallowing in self pity I thought this would be nothing.  In the world of MRI's no news is good news.  I was shocked when I heard back from the Dr. two hours after the test.   It was abnormal. Calling the Neurologist at 800am to see if I get in ASAP. I wanted to be down I wanted to cry I wanted to say why me. That's not God's plan or purpose. This is and will be for his glory.
On a better note I have gotten back to reading. Reading is therapeutic for me. Newbies for
now are : 

I love LOVE love them both. I like that I can share what I read with Mr. and it be my ministry to him.  If I had to choose one area to improve our relationship it would most definitely be spiritually.  When your spiritual life is in check all things follow. That is what I pray for most in our journey together. 

Psalm 13:5

5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.

Why am I a Slacker?

Seriously I have the same 24 hours that others do.  
My apartment is a wreck. 
I am behind on all my work.
I have not even started laundry.
I cannot even think of a thing to blog about.
Oh and I have gained 15 lbs.

Okay this is my honest to goodness moment of change, I cannot continue to scrape by and be miserable.  This is not how life is supposed to work.

Fall is Here!

Fall is here. I have always loved Summer, but Autumn is growing on me.
These are a few reasons I love fall:

Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte

Scarves

 

 

 

Creamy Pumpkin Candles

 

 

Anything AUTUMN scented from Bath and Body Works

Alabama Football games that involve a scarf and gloves.

Nights spent wrapped up by the Fire Pit.

 

Happy First Day of Fall Ya'll! Hope it is great!

It's starting to feel so real.

I received the FIRST sample wedding favor yesterday from the wonderful shangrilaradesign ! A beautiful, delicious custom cookie. I loved it and it made all this wedding planning seem so real.  I am also in the middle of finalizing details at the prospective ceremony and reception venue.  I remember when working in the bridal business, seeing brides coming in 6 months or less before the big day and trying to throw everything together.  I am still 15 months out and I feel overwhelmed and behind. 

This is It!

Color Palate!

Humpty Dumpty had a Great Fall

My morning started off with a bang, or should I say flop.  I fell down the uber steep stairs at my apartment on the way to school and scored myself a severely sprained ankle and a broken bone in the top of my foot.  Yeah tomorrow is the first ballgame and its a long weekend.  Lucky me I will be spending it on crutches!  Not at all thrilled but I praise God that it was not any worse, I could have easily hit my head on the sidewalk and there was no one around outside at the time.  Pictures of my lovely foot to follow!

Wish List

I am getting a jump start for my Christmas List.  Most ok ALL of these items come from the wonderful SpoonSisters  We all know I have a strange unique sense of humor and most of my wish list is quite silly.

Denture Ice Cube trays.... LOVE IT

Pillow and a Blanket together perfect for my temperature sensitivity.

 

 

 

Cute Towels for the New Kitchen

 

 

 

 

 

Self explanatory

Scotty and I are movie, concert, game junkies.  This would be perfect for all we do.

I have an obsession with fortunes, I always keep them. This will keep them off the floor.

Newlyweds Guide, for US the soon to be Newlyweds.

I'm a strange character. I know that, but its okay  The fact that someone created and markets these items proves that I am not the only one.

How Indecisive Can I Be.....

from Day 1 of wedding planning I have LOVED Navy Blue and Pink.  I was going for the look of a Vineyard Vines label.  As plans have become more definitive I have had some second thoughts.  I had pictured navy blue and a soft powder pink.  Then through the influence of others it morphed into a deep pink.  The more I looked for wedding things the more I grew to dislike the colors.  They are too rich and both make great dominant colors but not so great to compliment each other.  That along with the fact that I have always said I did NOT want pink as a wedding color has put me back at square one.  I have two combos that I am quite fond of.  Since our wedding will be one week before Christmas I want to be able to have that winter-y feel without having red and green.

Red and Aqua

Navy and Moss

I really hope Scotty will love one of these.  Since the intended venue is open and on the side of the river I feel like the green and aqua will be pulled in.  Then we are still left with a Christmas-y red and green.

Bubbles and Brushes

I am covered in paint, but I have something to show for it for once.  Bethany, Ashley, and I decided that we would do some art therapy.  They are really good, I am really not but it has been fun regardless. 

Had a new funny at school this week.  I read the story The Principal from the Black Lagoon.  My class began talking about principals.  One little boy stated that our principal lived on the roof and talked through a hole in the ceiling.  It just blew his mind when I explained that she worked in the office and talked through a special phone.  Later in the day he got to take a tour and even make an announcement; he was beyond excited. 

Yet another reason I love my kiddos!

Playing Catch Up

I am starting a new chapter in many parts of my life, that said I felt it fitting to have a new blog.  It is hard to believe Scotty and I have been engaged for a full 2.5 months! I still catch myself thinking "Oh he's about to pop the question!" When he does something out of the norm.  I cannot believe how fast time is flying by.  As of today we have been together a full 40 months! That is insane to think about.  I only hope the next 40 years are as wonderful as these 40 months have been.  I am not into full swing wedding planning mode yet but I am getting close.  Venue, colors, and wedding party have all been chosen which is a lot to accomplish.  We had a wonderful engagement party thrown for us so that everyone could meet, it was fabulous.  Hectic, but fabulous.  the very next day I moved into my own apartment alone and got ready for my first day of student teaching.  I cannot believe that day has come and gone so quickly as well.  It is hard to believe that in less than a year I will be preparing my OWN classroom not someone else's (God willing).  It is scary and surreal all at the same time.  I absolutely adore the classroom of kiddos I have now.  All 18 energetic kiddos.  They are always saying the funniest things.  Favorites so far have been:
When talking about loosing teeth
"Don't worry I keeped up with all my teeth I didn't lose any of them."
"Ms. B what does mean mean?"
"Ms. B did I get all the poopies?"
I'm sure there will be MANY more soon.
Just a few photos of the past month to cap everything off.