Everything Changes.

I normally only blog about people/events if I know that will be okay with it.

this time not so much :)

I normally use names

this time not so much.

Background info
I am a tom boy, my dad has always called me his son.
Pretty sure thats why I have always had more male friends than female.
I pretty low maintenance, easy to please, avoid drama at all cost, and I have the sense of humor of Dane Cook.

I like hunting, fishing, race cars, mud, and being mischievous.

Its just who I am.

Well I had/have a friend, I won't say I fell in love with him.

It was an odd, indescribable situation.

We never dated, but it was known by EVERYONE that there was a mutual interest in each other.

We hung out practically everyday, often into the wee hours of the morning. 

I had dated in the past, and still did but this situation ( i say situation because relationship isn't the right word either.)was different. I had nothing to lose. We were friends first, we both knew that.  GOOD friends, it went beyond my other friendships. I've always been comfortable being myself, at the time I was very confident in who I was.  But you have friends you can have those deep, meaningful conversations with and you have friends that you keep the conversations on the light side with. 

He was both. 

We could go have a crazy time on the weekends or just drive around looking at dream houses. Either was fine. We just clicked as friends in a way I really needed at the time. 

Anywho having such a good friend-relationship with the opposite sex leads to confusion.

Like is it more than friendship?  Why are we not dating? Why won't everyone shut up about us being perfect together? 

Needless to say, even with my tom-boyish "I got it covered" attitude I'm still hopeless at relationships. 

I wanted one.

Desperately

In the end it didn't happen. You know sometimes you try to date someone, it doesn't happen THEN things are uber awkward?

That so didn't happen.

 Things were fine Sort of. 

----Anyone remember Myspace?  yeah that thing before Facebook.

       there was a blog on your profile, most of us used them for the ridiculous surveys we would send back  
       and forth.  I used them for passive aggressive teen angst.

 I let out everything I wanted to say to him and waited for him to find them. 
Its so embarrassing now, but its also something I never want to lose. 

There is a LOT more that I thought, but again its crazy to see how I felt then. 

LOOONG story- shorter: I recently got to talk to this friend, he is happily married and has a precious little family now.  Talking to him confirmed what I already knew. I made a life long friend.  

Scotty was God's plan for me. 
Its still wonderful to have someone that can pick up and catch up after going years without speaking.

No pressure just two friends who know each other better than most others, and of course every now and then he likes to say "Remember when you were like head over heels, obsessively in love with me?" 

And of course I pretend like I have no clue what he is talking about. 

the rest of this"world's longest" post is old posts....like from Myspace!

you have to watch out.

sometimes the things you were so sure of can be gone in a flash

one quite ride home could send your life spinning

i'm glad it did.

it's amazing how you knock me off my feet.....everytime you come around me I get weak......nobody ever made me feel this way......you kiss my lips and then you take my breath away.......

I didn't ask for things to end up this way. I'm a planner I plan things. No where in my little blue book did I ever see this coming.  Sometimes its the little whirlwinds in life that make you realize you are alive.  The unexpected movie you never thought you'd watch.  The boy you're not sure how you met.  The poolside talks.  The almost sleepovers. The impromptu dancing under the stars. The plans of Nashville. Weekend Runaways 

It all makes me wish I had never been hurt so I could not have a worry and just take it all in. but Unfortunately I have been so I can't

but i'm trying.

Scout's Honor!

The past is just that The Past...its time to be left behind. Nothing can change it. No need to worry (i hope) For every crazy story you have with her, I have one with him. Every laugh, every fun time, every moment, and every memory. I have one of those too.   I just have to keep that in mind.

I've always been a lover not a fighter Some things in life are worth a fight.  I don't give up. This is a battle I won't lose again. Worthy opponent? Yeah so.... I've got what I want sorry chick you missed out.

:)

yeh sucks for you

find someone else's life to ruin
you can't touch mine anymore

this lil change is long overdue. all my stories have a new subject.  no need to be out everynight. i like saying goodnight.

i do sleep good....and have sweet most beautimus dreams
:)

its great and to think i almost threw it all away for a
WHAT IF

i almost threw it away for a quick fun night that noone would know about.

just that one last chance to see if things would work, now i'll never know

and quite frankly my dear i don't give a damn.

\Obviously I have not matured much since then.  Apparently this was when Scotty and I started dating and my other "situation" was ending.  SO DRAMATIC

Why can't we see things when we are messing them up?  Why does it always have to be too late, its already gone before we realize we even started to let it go. 

Ahh I'm just so confused by it all.

Watching me cry and caring.

Knowing it bothers you to see me that way. 

Knowing I'm avoiding the topic. Knowing the topic before I even open my mouth. 

Saying what I need to hear. Saying what I want to hear. 

Giving me the truth.  

Not letting me get my head hung up in the clouds.  

Showing me reality when I lose touch.  

Being approved of.  

Loving the good music. 

Partaking in the stupidity.  

Cherishing the quality time. 

Laughing. 

Smiling. 

Having impecable timing.

The half-asleep glances you think I don't see.  

Being a smartass to lighten the mood. 

Knowing when enough is enough. 

Kicking me out. 

Putting forth the effort.  

Deep Sleep. Short Temper. Minor Defects. The girn. The Laugh. The Head Shake. 

The respect you show me.

Strange sense of humor you accept. 

The useless knowledge I give you. 

The satisifaction of a job well done. 

The Uncertainty. The Wonder. How you keep me in awe.

I learn something new everyday. It grows everyday.

You = wow its amazing that all this is you and what you are to me.

 i love the type of friendship where you can go months without speaking then just pick up and carry on as if no time was ever lost.

i have never been one to say i am happy with where i am in life for long periods of time now is not an exception. i want to know IT was worth everything,ever night without sleep,every thought, every friend i have driven crazy, every date i have turned down. so i was told things are different now, that should be enough to keep me happy for a while right? well now i want to know whats gonna change. i am not complaining at all. i have all the paitence you could ask for but its nice to have a little something to hold on to a little something to say its not all a waste. its hard to keep going on when noone believes in you and everyone is in the back going paige you have lost your mind. it would be nice to have someone who actually said i was right every now and then but everyone thinks if you have to wait for something then IT is not worth it but i hate to tell them they are wrong...if i have told kyle one time i have told him a million times that as corny as it may sound the best things in  life are worth waiting on and if anyone has a problem with that they can tell me but they are not going to change my mind i am way too stubborn for that. i find something i want i am going to get it or get completely shot down neither has happened yet so i still have plenty of fight left in me. dont doubt me i will prove you wrong.

last night i looked over and saw someone that is a friend and would never be anything more. i am and always will be okay with that. tonight i look over and see someone that is a friend and i wish to be so much more..... in the past two days i have been faced by two people both have greatly affected my life and how i am who i am today. i started to think this was a terrible thing. jared sat there. we were the best of friends he was there for me for everything i was always convinced that we would always have that awesome relationship last night was so awkward to being with maybe not for him but for me it was. i have changed i am not that same little vulnerable girl he met five years ago. i have grown sure he did help mold me into the person i became but i don't believe he is happy with what i have become. i am sorry for that he taught me to make myself happy that is what i am trying to do. sorry i'm not perfect i never knew i had to be. i am just trying to go on with my life he has missed out on a lot and i can't go back and fill him in on it because the passion and emotion that was there isn't anymore, but i guess we will just have to pick up and keep going from where we are although our lives have pointed us in completely differnt directions .......agian i look over tonight and see the possibility and IT is amazing ((if you are reading this and think you have an idea of what IT is, then you probablly do and i apologize to all those i have driven crazy over the past three months as a result of me being introduced to IT)) know the feeling when you are at the beach and you look outside and the sun is setting and everything in the world is perfect....thats IT.....when you get up at the butt crack of dawn to go fishing and you are just sitting there watching the water....thats IT.....when you are sitting in the front porch swing late on a summer night watching the lightning bugs....thats IT.... that is the only way i know how to explain it but yeah....as kelly always says its a can't eat, can't sleep, over the fence, reach for the stars, world serises kind of thing and i am a firm believer in that. what is everyones problem these days i sit here and watch two of my good friends fight day in and day out with their signifigant other yet i am the one who is crazy do people not believe in the little things that matter anymore. what happened to trust adn faith in one another and caring and just all around showing other people that you care what would be so wrong with that. i have been getting critisized lately because i don't date around. it is reasons like that i don't. yeah it might be a little strange that i have a list of requirements a guy must meet before i even consider dating them, but you know if it saves me the heartache and keeps me from getting run over than maybe i am not the crazy one maybe one day people will realize its the little things in life that matter. actually listening and caring what people have to say. paying attention to other people's feelings. showing you care any way you can. being honest. and most importantly letting your guard down and putting your whole heart into a relatonship. if they are worth your time to date then they deserve to have you put your all into it. if it is going to be half heart then dont waste your time. there is no point. its like trying to play football when your heart isn't into it. no matter how much ability you have it could be better if you just put it all on the line, put your whole heart into it, and took the chance.......it has taken me almost a year and a half but i am finally ready for that again. all summer long i thought i was but it was not until last night that i realized just how ready i am now. sure i'm going to have my set backs and insecurities but as is stands right now here i am waiting for IT..........

every song from last night ......

I'm still here, but you don't trust at all And I'll be waiting Love and sex and loneliness Take what's yours and leave the rest So I'll survive God, it's good to be alive

Could you whisper in my ear
The things you wanna feel I'd give ya anythin' To feel it comin'.....I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all.......And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete Little pieces of the nothin' that fall Oh May Put your arms around me What you feel is what you are And what you are is beautiful Oh May Do you wanna get married, or run away?........

.......goes back to you

When it's just me and you.
Who knows what we could do.
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day.
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
Is more than just a word.

wow some sleep sure would be nice but i have pretty much given up on actully getting any, any time soon. too much on my mind

....... I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake

way to go IT keeping me awake yet again, not that i mind or anything but my Lord why do you have to be exactlly what i am looking for when i am looking for it?  I only wish you could know because you have no idea. Sure you have heard some of the things I have said about you but it is not even close to what all has been said. If only you really knew.

.........Cord is here i cannot even begin to explain how i feel about that. i thought if he ever came in i would be so excited but now that he is here i have mixed emotions about the situation sure i love him and would not want him to go back but in the same moment i know he will be going back and soon i just don't want to get so attached and accustomed to him being around that will only make him leaving again harder on the both of us. we are adults now its about time we let go of each other and move on with our lives we can't always be each others safety nets

Cause I'm bettin' my whole heart that you're gonna love me
And I've never took that kinda chance before My heart, be still, I'm havin' trouble breathin'  Wonderin' if you feel the same way that I'm feelin'  Cold sweat, so strange, I can't play it cool
My heart's out on a limb, and girl you'd be somethin' to lose
You'd be somethin' to lose You, me, we should get together now
Cause love may never give another chance
Please don't be afraid to let me in
Cause we may never get this moment back again
.........

went out with the kids tonight.

had a blast.

those two are absolutely crazy  i am jsut surprised we didn't get kicked out of Red Lobster. who would have ever thought that cracking crab claws could be so dang dangerous?

we have got to do that more often.

i need to be working on my halo playing before next week. i suck and its bad. welp i am off to find a copy of bum fights......♥.....

lightning crashes, a new mother cries
her placenta falls to the floor
the angel opens her eyes
the confusion sets in
before the doctor can even close the door
lightning crashes, an old mother dies
her intentions fall to the floor
the angel closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers

belongs now, to the baby down the hall
oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.
lightning crashes, a new mother cries
this moment she's been waiting for
the angel opens her eyes
pale blue colored iris,
presents the circle
and puts the glory out to hide, hide

I have went back and done some serious thinking, not that it has gotten me anywhere or anything. But I did realize that everything is going to payoff sooner or later, it may not be in the way I was hoping but that night I did tell Devan "Wait and see I will either date him or he will be my best friend.." And the way I see it if either happens then I will have added another extroidinary person to my life, this time it is someone who I respect, someone I see so much potential in, someone I see pushing me to be better and strive to be what I have always wanted to be : happy 
 Emmerson once said "our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be" maybe that's why I want him. Who knows. Keep calling me crazy you only make me more determined. Keep critisizing the way I do things, it will only remind me I can laugh in your face when it works out for me. When something seems this right to me I am not going to ignore it.
"Trust your instinct to the end, though you can render no reason".

First off the Staind Concert was great.

Got to hear Everything Changes and that made the whole show worth while to me. Hinder was a lot better live than I thought they would be. The ride home was almost as much fun to me as the concert. Those kids are crazy I swear. Good thing Ump knows how to pick people out so well or we would all be without some change right now.

Jackass 2 was great too from what I saw of it. I missed like the first 45 minutes but the rest was hilarious. Made me want to do mean things to people *l0l* better watch your back. Had a sleepover after the movie. Twas fun I forgot how much fun me and kelly have together. We're most likely the only two girls who actually enjoy watching Fyffe Highlights at 3 am. Oh me what a crazy night.....hopefully they will just keep on getting better......

My God its so beautiful when the boy smiles want to hold him but maybe I'll just write about him.....
Fair...woohoo I guess the whole crew ended up going. Not exactly the night I had planned on but I still had fun.  Had an unexpected person pop up that made me feel quite awkward. I have no idea why I'm not in any position where they should affect me but their precense just makes me so uncomfortable, talk about a buzz kill. I guess its just one of those things I am going to have to get used to and its not even a jealousy thing, its more of a what if thing. I have been there I know what it is like to have a person come back into your life just when you thought everything was going to be okay. Had fun acting a fool with Vanessa and Miranda. Those two are crazy, seems weird hanging out with two girls after being with the boys for like the past month. Miranda and our plans for the ice maker crack me up. Although I was ready to kill her over the penguin and all the trouble she was going through to ensure the penguin went home with the right person. My face has not been that red in a long time. I thought I was going to pull Miranda's arm off trying to run off.

Moving has finally hit me and it makes me miserable. This is the house I have lived in for 14 years. Almost every memory I have is in this house. It is gonna be hard to just up and go...

How can I help it if I think youre funny when youre mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
Im the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Cant understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt

I don't believe that anybody could feel the way I feel about you now. I thought maybe you were gonna be the one to save me, who knows maybe you still will be. Who knows maybe you already have. You have showed me, taught me, and made me understand. Never have I wanted to chase my dreams so passionately, Never have I wanted to push my own limits, Never have I wanted to try so hard to be a better person and someone worthy to be admired. You make me think first, it is as simple as that nothing complicated in the least bit. Bestest most loved friend has become less of a joke and more of an actuallity to me the more I think about it.  You are what all friends should be. Always there when I need you even if it is in an unconventional, honesty without constrant who else would tell me those things, wanting the best for me and having respect for me. Maybe you don't see all these things the way I do. Is this all a facade to me. Something I have thought up on my own, As pessemistic as I am I find that hard to believe. I have to think everything out too much and have to look at every aspect and still question every little thing...that will most likely be my downfall. I know I am making something out of nothing. A simple friendship should never cause so much worry. I do love each and everyone of my friends I care deeply and worry about the well being about the well being of each of them. That is not the worry I am talking about. I have never put so much backing to a friend to the point their well being is on a pedastal above the others. That scares the life out of me. I hope I'm not neglecting the others. I honestly think I am I think it is more like I have taken the energy I once put in a negative part of my life and turned it into a positive thing which is always a good change of pace. Seems a little on the obsessive ans overly concerned side but I'm just being honest and tired of holding back. Deep down don't we all sort of have this inside of us but just can't say it.
I have no idea why all of that had to come out right now. I have the worst timing with thinking of things. Everything has finally hit me with life changing and not being able to do anything about it. Change is a 4 letter word in my book, it scares me like there is no tomorrow. But after some serious thought and some harsh advice from some valued friends It has finally dawned on me that Change IS inevitable and I hould embrace it instead of running from it. I should welcome each chance as an oppourtunity not an inconveinence. You only have one life to live why not make the most of it and positvely impact the most you can. A simple smile could change a person's outlook more than you know. Taking the time to get out of the bed and come sit on the hood of a car could be THE difference in one's life. You may not be aware but a  short time before you showed up they could have been sitting alone thinking there was no purpose to life, thinking they were not worthy of anyone's time, that they didn't mean anything to anyone but maybe you can change that without even knowing.....who knows maybe youre gonna be the one to save me over and over again more so than you already have..... 

Sometimes in life you are the father, sometimes the prodigal son and other times you are the brother. Lately Ihave found myself being the brother. The is greatly out of context and out on a limb but sitting in my mind so try to stay with me on this. As the brother I must not fall into his characteristics and follow his faults. I sould be respectful and campassionate and have empathy. The father has two sons one who has always been faithful, one who will never let the father down. Yet there is another son who has wasted away everything the father has given,one who thinks the father will forgive and forget every wrong doing done by him. Strangely enough the father does exactly as the prodigal son believed he would. The father knows the prodigal son will continue to do wrong and the other will not. Strange this thing called love it gives the father hope and the faith to back the prodigal son, but the same love gives the brother the strenght to sit back and admire the father and the prodigal son eximplifying love at its finest. i.e. where I find myself at this point. I can. I do. I will. I am a caring and compassionate friend or atleast I try to be that is why I can, I do, and I will. Don't judge me unjustly if you don't understand my ways.  I have reasons. Again maybe I am wrong in the way I live but maybe you are too. Hey, who is without sin, cast the first stone. Its a little different when the finger is pointing back at you huh? The things I say may seem wishy-washy and make me look fickle but you are generalizing and jumping to conclusions. Listen carefully to what I say when you ask me to explain, I will live my life by my convictions if my feelings should change my actions will follow. I'm not trying to deceive you or lie I am just trying to live my life according to what I believe is right for ME and getting myself to where I want to be. Pay attention I have said it many times....I make the rules up as I go.....
thanks acj 

*** Seriously a prodigal son reference??!?!?!***

I pray for all my friends at night but I pray a little harder that you are happy, I pray a little harder that you find your way, I pray a little harder that you succeed, I pray a little harder that you become more than you ever dreamed you could be.

Sitting in front of a huge house I can't help but think of you ssaying I am going to have to do good in school because one day when I am rich you are going to live in my basement and I am going to have to support you (i love that idea) But you were sitting next to me and it crossed my mind but I couldn't tell you. I didn't want you to know I remembered but I did.

I kept my promise, You said Whatever happens tonight don't be mad... I didn't get mad everyone else was mad, but I wasn't because you asked me not to be.

You said if anyone you knew could do it then it would be me, that's what gave me the faith to try...because you had faith in me.

You said don't be sad...So I cheered up.

You said I'm a good lil boy,....I laighed until I cried.

You said "u love us anyways"...and I didn't care that you went to Geno's without me

You told me I could come out on the basketball court....proved to me that small gestures mean the most.

"You've got to stand for something of you'll fall for anything" Will never leave my mind when I'm face to face with something I don't think I can handle.

You said you appreciated it, I took it to heart, that's so much more than a thank you, especially when its genuine, and I knew it was.

Hell, even Oscar likes me :)

You called me hunny because I said darling.

Never have I cherished a run to Albertville at 11pm just to keep someone company until now.

You apologized before I was mad.

YOu didn't want to take advanage of the situation so you didn't.

You made sure my birthday mattered even though you were hurting.

You tried to put the windshield wipers on even though it was 5 am pouring down rain and you had no clue how.

You slept sitting up so I could lay down.

You held the flashlight and took my hand.

You did all that you could so you thought you wouldn't hurt me.

You let me win at bowling...and kicked my butt at air hockey.

Bottle Rocket Wars that led to being "naked" behind Winn Dixie.

You let me lead the way at Horton House

Hot Jager---- because you don't believe in iced liqour.

The ouija board knows all of everyone's dirty little secrets.

You knew my hips don't lie...coming out of the cave.

EVERYONE KNOWS I"M IN OVER MY HEAD.

You we're so gonna let me drive the Dodge, instead you slung mud all over us.

You promised to take good care of me while they were gone.

YOu laughed at the way I wiggle my nose and twitch in my sleep.

You knew it was important so you came.

You saw my heart break and you did all you could to try to fix it.

You threw a quarter at my head, Devan knew I would keep it.

You said love still matters, I didn't even know you but I knew you'd been hurt and that you meant it.

You got out of bed to make me quit crying.

You talked to me at 3am like it was important or something.

You laughed at my ugly shoes so I wore them again.

Just so you know: The Jersey made me Invincible.

I drew on your face with a permanent marker but you just laughed and drew on me.

You helped me get the deer drunk.

You made me forget.

You've got my flag: I've got your beads.

Wet tee shirt contests have never been so much fun.

You brought a whole new meaning to sucking at Halo...then you beat me.

You *tried* to get me to play washers and darts but I knew I could never stick darts the places you did.

I always got your beer, You always opened my cans.

You Don-Vito'ed me on my birthday and that was more than I could've asked for.

I cried on my birthday, you knew it but tried to hide it, you ate your chili and talked about the Braves....it made my night.

You told me to come to Don Panchos even though Britt was pissed.

You whispered in my ear because you were drunk and thought I couldn't hear you... It was hott.

We watched football highlights until 3am just so I could hear the song at the end..... it was worth it to see the look on your face everytime you remembered that last football season. Seeing your dad and you on the field brought tears to my eyes but I would never let you know that

You would always fall asleep but still text back to say good night.

You woke me up snoring then denied it.

You fought me over your keys all night; I knew you weren't driving if my life depended on it.

My butt is not bigger than a planet

Had I known Roller Coaster of Love was going to be one of the last songs we ever car Karaoked to I would have sung 10 times louder. Had I known Jackass 2 would have been the last movie night we had I would have stayed at the theatre all night. Had I known that night at Kelly's would have been the last slumber party together Tickle Time would have lasted twice as long, I wouldn't have fallen asleep at all, I would have laid in bed instead of hoping up and rushing home the next morning, I would have stayed up to watch ya'll play football, I would have left the window open and made it  that much colder. I would have brought two bottles of water with me. And most of all I would have looked at you when I said good night why?Because I was smiling and the sun was coming up. I miss that.

All of this is why you are my bestest most-love-ed friend.....and I miss that, nothing breaks a heart more than a best friend.But for the time that's what you were and I am eternally thankful for that....