Frustrated Much?

So let me paint a REAL clear picture here.

I am very plain jane. 

There is little variety in my taste.

I enjoy spending most of my days dressed in N'orts and a tee shirt.

I do not care about labels.

I never do anything special hair or makeup wise.

With me what you see is what you get.

I grew up DIRT PooR, but tried to hide it. I was even homeless when I started college and

again right before I moved to Tuscaloosa

I don't even think my best friend knows about that.

I don't do flashy.

I like attention from people but only on my terms.

I NEVER like to be the center of attention.

I am completely silly and inappropriate at times.

I will do anything to make others laugh, usually at my expense.

I am not a romantic, I am purely a comedian.

I never dreamed of my wedding.

I never played Princess.

I don't dance.

I avoid ALL confrontation. 

I take on too much.

I find it practically impossible to tell someone "no"

I am a complete flake -

My indifference always often appears as laziness.

I fake classiness when absolutely necessary.

I am cheap.

I hate cold weather after about 2 weeks.

That's me

I'm not all bad I promise.

But this is all related to an upcoming event.

Our wedding.

A grand event that will be happening on December 17th

We have been enagaged since July 2010

We've been together since April 2007

We have been through more in the past 4 years, than a lot of couples go through in 14.

We're strong as a couple but this wedding may be the death of us both.

Why? Because I'm no Bridezilla.

I am doormat Bride.

When wedding discussions began i finally began dreaming of My wedding.

A day that I would hold dear for ever.

I started seeing a Southern Summer Wedding.

soft colors, fans, lemonade

 

Source: iloveswmag.com via Laken on Pinterest

I have dreams of willow trees, draping lights, lightning bugs

Source: sarahyatesblog.com via Tara< /a> on Pinterest

Pearls, mismatched china, Mason jars

fresh wild flowers, 

linen, crisp white oxfords,
barefooted flower girls
handkerchiefs
White washed signs
An old church with red hymnals in the pew backs.

Source: stylemepretty.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Source: stylemepretty.com via Shaheen on Pinterest

I get none of that.

Scotty has gone to the same church since he was 6 weeks old.
3 years ago I joined that church,
its OUR church. 

But it is too small for a wedding, especially with families as large as ours.
The church I grew up in built a new sanctuary and could easily accommodate.
Scotty didn't want a church wedding and I obliged.

In the grand scheme of things I did not think that letting him have his way would be so bad.
During the storms on April 27th MY church was destroyed.
Not even the foundation is fully intact.
Until that time I did not realize how desperately I wanted to get married in that church.

I am now in over my head in a wedding that I do not even feel like is mine.
Because of finances we really haven't gotten to do much of the detail work.

Since I have no choice now 

(nor did I really have a choice in the beginning)

about the date I thought I might as well make the best of it.
I didn't want Christmas-y
I was looking for the Winter Cabin in the woods.
Warmth, low lighting, rustic, pinecones
To which I have been told:
" Pinecones? are you sure that's tacky"
"You need to cover up all these walls, we will build backgrounds"
"A pasta bar isn't really wedding food"
"Your colors clash, BAD"

You need to rent this, That would look better if you left it our
are you sure you know what you are doing?

I'm to my breaking point.
We have not planned anything or rented anything, or booked anything because
WE HAVE NO MONEY

Yeh so shut up already.
We know that invitations need to be booked
Bridesmaid dresses ordered
Rentals secured
Caterers finalized

A florist chosen.

We didn't forget
And trust me everyone shoving it down my throat that I am a terrible bride
that i obviously care nothing about my wedding does not help a bit

But oddly enough that seems to be the only means of help we are getting.
Not a "can we call the florist" or "can I help with floorplan ideas"

It has gotten to the point that now decisions are being made,
THEN I am being asked if its okay,
Hello I never say no or speak my mind
I am Doormat Bride, not Bridezilla.

So now I am having a wedding that is completely what I don't want'

All along I have been dragging my feet and trying to subtly mention it to Scotty
but he never goes to bat for me. He says "tell them no" that's easy to say when you are not the one having to say no. Or when I say I don't really like something, I am just being stupid.

I wanted small, I got big. I'm not talking about guest list I'm talking about the hassle and work commitment.
I pictured my closest friends standing with me. I now have 10 girls standing with me.
I pictured an outdoor reception with a huge tent full of fun finger foods, dancing, a band, singing, and fun.

Now I am getting married in a tent then a reception in the beautiful bed and breakfast.
I cry everytime I look at the pictures from every other bride at the venue who got to have their wedding ceremony inside and reception in the tent. 

I don't dance. My dad doesn't dance.
We DO NOT want a Father-Daughter dance.
But we have been harassed into it.

But surprisingly there is no room for a dance floor, so we will have to dance outside, or move tables. 

I HATE it.
Absolutely Hate it.
It infuriates me that I dread my wedding day.

I don't want to plan it.
I don't want to talk about it.
Scotty says its too late now. And he's right it is too late.
I just wish he would have listened or maybe I should have been completely stubborn and fought for what I wanted then because it IS too late.
On December 17th I am going to walk into a wedding that is nothing like me
Nothing that I would plan
Nothing I want to be a part of.

I get to marry my best friend. 

I get to leave for Hawaii.
That will be great. 

It could be a fairy tale day.
It could be magical.
It could be what I wanted.
But its not.